Car-free Day was a great success, at least on Commercial Drive. As far as the eye could see, teeming masses of smiling people swarmed the streets. However, take a closer look and you could see room for improvement.

First, we're not hardened vegetarians, but the presence of burning animal flesh on makeshift barbecues every few feet was enough to make us want to turn to a life of tofu. Maybe next year we could put all the barbecuers together in a little cul-de-sac, or better yet, round them up into the local community centre where they can inhale the fumes to their stomachs' content.

Also, we're wondering why all the car-free activities in various neighbourhoods took place on the same day. Wouldn't it be better to stagger them, so we can enjoy trying to avoid being run over by humongous baby strollers throughout the summer?

IDLE SPLINTERED HANDS

Now that the Hollow Tree Society has injected $200,000 into preserving the Stanley Park eyesore, we expect that the society's members are at a loss as to what to do with all that free time on their hands. So we've come up with a few projects to keep them busy.

The Only Seafood restaurant is in trouble. Should something happen to the Vancouver landmark, its trademark neon sign could be in jeopardy. Perhaps the society can begin looking for ways to preserve the sign, in the way that city planners saved the Bowmac sign (tacking it onto the Toys R Us sign) and the Aristocrat Restaurant's neon (putting it in the window of Chapters on Broadway and Granville).

Loverboy hasn't had a hit in decades, and the rock band is at least as much of a historical relic as the Hollow Tree. Maybe the HTS can hire L.A.-based hitmakers to write a song for the act, thereby putting it--and Vancouver--back on the charts.

Rumour has it the sitcom Two And a Half Men has seen a drop in its ratings. While it's not a Canadian show, and not as sexy as an old dead tree, it is enjoyed by our parents, and so we'd hate to see it cancelled. Hollow Tree Society, we beg you: start a letter-writing campaign to save Charlie Sheen's television career.

BRIDGES OF HICKSVILLE COUNTY

Maybe you weren't at Car-Free Day this weekend, or out propping up the Hollow Tree so future generations can feast their eyes on the magnificence of its dead wood. Maybe you spent your time in more worthy pursuits, like attending the opening of a bridge. Along with 50,000 other people.

Yes, you read that right. This past weekend the opening of the Golden Ears Bridge in Maple Ridge attracted 50,000 people. That's one thousand times fifty, or almost as many as saw Madonna at her B.C. Place Stadium appearance last year. For the opening of a bridge. Fifty thousand people with nothing better to do. Many of them with the legal right to vote.

Keep in mind there were no CAF Snowbirds pinwheeling in the skies above. China wasn't competing with France to see who could shoot more gunpowder into the sky in a more spectacular fashion. Madonna wasn't on a stage nearby singing "Express Yourself." It was the opening of a bridge.

Which makes us wonder: what are we missing here? Please explain it to us. We really want to know.