At nearly 100 pages, the official royal wedding guide is so weighty as to deserve its own seat at Friday's nuptials. And because we know you have more important things to do than sift through the whole thing — baking scones, perhaps, or reminiscing about Prince William's 2004 hairline — we've broken down the highlights.
From the storied invitation list to the 18-horse procession, here's everything you need to know (and a few things you probably don't) about The Wedding of the Century.
The Guests: Around 1,900 people are invited to the April 29 service at Westminster Abbey, including the Governor General of Canada, actor Rowan Atkinson (aka "Mr. Bean"), Sir Elton John, director Guy Ritchie, David and Victoria Beckham, singer Joss Stone, and Canadian businessman Galen Weston and wife Hilary.
Some 650 people will attend a swishy lunchtime reception at Buckingham Palace, given by the Queen, while just 300 of the couple's nearest and dearest will enjoy a private dinner and dance given by The Prince of Wales.
The Transportation: No trendy Priuses here. Accompanied by her father, Kate — sorry, "Catherine" — Middleton will arrive at the wedding in a Rolls-Royce Phantom VI, which was presented to the Queen for her Silver Jubilee in 1977. Prince William will travel in a Bentley, accompanied by Prince Harry.
Following the ceremony, the newlyweds will be transported in an open-top 1902 State Landau along the processional route to Buckingham Palace (if it looks familiar, that's because it's the same carriage used by the Duke and Duchess of York at their 1986 wedding).
Eighteen horses and five carriages will be involved in the procession, which includes the bridal party and key family members.
The Big Event: The approximately one-hour wedding service officially begins at 11 a.m. London time (6 a.m. ET). Philippa "Pippa" Middleton, the bride's sister, is the maid of honour and Prince Harry is the best man.
The marriage ceremony will be conducted by Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, the service will be performed by Dean of Westminster John Robert Hall, and the address will be given by Bishop of London Richard Chartres.
The bride and groom jointly chose the music for the service, which is said to include "a number of well-known hymns and choral works, as well as some specially-commissioned pieces." Don't expect any Cee-Lo.
The Ring: The bride's wedding ring is made of Welsh gold, which was given to the prince by the Queen shortly after the couple were engaged. The groom, however, has chosen not to wear a wedding band — a decision we suspect only a royal could get away with.
The Cake: Leicestershire-based cake designer Fiona Cairns has made the couple a multi-tiered traditional fruit cake, which will be decorated with cream and white icing, and "will have a strong British floral theme using elements of the Joseph Lambeth technique."
A chocolate biscuit cake, made by McVitie's Cake Company from a Royal Family recipe, was specially requested by the prince for the reception.
The Social Media: Social media around the event will include the Official Royal Wedding website, the British Monarchy Flickr account, Twitter (@ClarenceHouse), the Royal Channel on YouTube and the British Monarchy Facebook page.
These online avenues are said to be "in line with the couple's wishes to make the wedding as accessible as possible for as many people as want to participate." This wedding wish was presumably forgotten when the nuptials were set at an hour when most Canadians are unconscious.