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Longing to see Judge Judy

Some people aspire to be in the audience of The Late Show. Others want to be on Ellen or Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune or Saturday Night Live. Not me. Sure, I happen to love Ellen, and I’m kind of fond of Vanna White and Alex Trebek.
Barbara Gunn
Barbara Gunn

Some people aspire to be in the audience of The Late Show. Others want to be on Ellen or Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune or Saturday Night Live.

Not me. Sure, I happen to love Ellen, and I’m kind of fond of Vanna White and Alex Trebek.

But I long to see Judge Judy.

You know her. She’s the 75-year-old gal who likes to rip into people who’ve driven without insurance or painted graffiti on the neighbour’s fence.

She’s a nasty one, Judy. You don’t want to speak out of turn when you’re standing before the judge. You don’t want to mumble or stutter or slouch or look down at your hands.

You don’t want to show up in her courtroom without proof that a.) your dog was attacked by the defendant’s, or that b.) you did pay the rent the plaintiff claims is owing.

Otherwise, well, Judy is apt to call you an idiot, laugh in your face and ask Byrd to toss you out.

It’s fascinating.

“Oh,” the husband will say, wandering into the TV room most afternoons. “I see you’re watching Judge Judy again.”

“Shhh!” I will say. “She just called that guy a stupid, lying weasel!”

“Wow,” the husband will reply.

“Wow is right! And she said the defendant is even more idiotic for going out with him for six months!”

OK, OK, I suppose I could be watching something a little more, um, intellectually rewarding. You know, like The History Channel or PBS.

But there’s something rather thrilling watching Judy in her element, savaging the poor souls who stand before her bench.

And to imagine being in her courtroom? I’d like nothing more than to hear her bellow my favourites.

You know.

“’Yeah’ is not an answer! Is that a YES or a NO???”

Or: “BE QUIET AND PUT YOUR HAND DOWN! If I want to hear from you, I’ll say so!”

I have no idea whether Judy behaves like this when she takes off her robes, but I rather think not. If the real Judy is anything like the TV Judy, I doubt there’d be anyone willing to style her hair, paint her toenails, fill her gas tank or accept her dinner invitation. (I can’t even imagine the wrath she’d direct at the poor mealtime guest who did not finish everything on his or her plate.)

As I say, fascinating. Someday, if I’m really, really lucky, I will win the lottery, meet George Clooney and sit in Judy’s courtroom.

She’s utterly nasty, that’s for sure. But nasty can be such fun.