I have an admission to make: I don't know how to turn on the TV.
It wasn't always like this. At one time, I simply stepped up to the television and hit a button.
Touch it once and the thing went on. Hit it again, and it went black.
Today in this golden age where technology is meant to streamline our lives I have two or three remote controls with which to deal. They have a ga-zillion buttons. One is called Guide. One is called Recall. Others are called HDMI and CCD and VGA.
Not a clue what they mean. All I know is this: whenever I have difficulty and that's pretty much every time I want to tune in to the news nothing happens. I resort to summoning a son (if one happens to be around), who will work with one remote and then another, until the news appears.
And if no help's around, well, I read a magazine. None of my magazines, thank goodness, comes with a remote.
Then there's the clock in the car. I don't believe cars always came with clocks, but today, a car without a clock is like a motorcycle without wheels. It's simply part of the package.
Our car, which we acquired rather recently, is also designed to make our lives better. It has what you would call all the bells and whistles. What it doesn't have is an entry in its manual that tells me how to change the clock.
"We need to move the clock ahead an hour," observed the husband recently, when we were on our way to the grocery store. This, after daylight saving time had arrived.
"I know," I said. "But we don't know how, remember?" "Right," he said. "So what are we going to do?" "Well," I said. "We just have to remember that two o'clock is really three o'clock. Either that, or we just wait it out until November, when the time will be right again."
We decided to let it slide. We'd check the time on our phones, which are also equipped to do pretty much everything, short of blasting us into space.
Three days later, the thermostat went. Don't know why, but it did.
The thermostat, I might point out, is programmable. Programmable, I might also point out, is one of my least favourite words.
The thermostat is one of those new-age things that is also intended to make our lives amazing. You're even able to turn it on remotely when you're half an hour from home, so the place will be toasty when you land. This is not something we know how to do.
"Don't we have the manual?" the husband asked.
"Maybe," I said. "But it's probably designed for other people. You know, younger people."
The husband sighed. And shivered.
"Get a sweater," I suggested. "You don't need a manual to do that. Besides, spring is coming."
Life these days is so much improved for most of the world, I guess. They're watching the news, and goodie for them. TV is so overrated.
