Whoopee! I have a new phone! The old one, my son had informed me, was sorely in need of upgrades. Technology had moved on dramatically, he said, and mine was hopelessly out of date. Sure, I could make calls, but as the son pointed out, there were a zillion things I couldn't do.
I marched off to the phone store.
"My son says I need a new phone," I told the man behind the counter. "The one I have is apparently old school."
"Well," he said. "That's no good! But we can fix that!" He explained the options. As near as I can recall, there were about 2,457 of them.
I settled on one that has what's called a seamless outer shell and a steel-reinforced frame. Its camera has a five-element lens and eight live filters. It has a fingerprint identity sensor and a 64-bit chip and slow motion video and zoom-in transition automation. Oh, and it's blue.
I was giddy with excitement.
I phoned the son.
"I got a new phone!" I told him. "I'm calling you on it right now!" "Cool," he said. "What's it like?" "It's blue!" I said. "And it can do a ton of stuff!" I wasn't sure what that stuff was - after all, I have no idea what a 64-bit chip is, let alone zoom-in transition automation - but I would learn, I vowed.
I thanked the son for spurring me on, and laughed when I told him I once lived with a telephone that had a coiled cord attached to a wall.
"All you could do with it was make phone calls!" I told him. "Talk about old school!" He checked in on me a week or two later.
"How's the new phone?" he asked.
"It's awesome!" I said. "Did I tell you it's blue? I'm talking to you on it right now!" "That's nice," he said. "But are you using the apps? Shooting video? Taking pictures?" "Of course not," I said. "But I'm just happy to know that I can do all those things!" He was quiet on the other end of the line, and no doubt scratching his head.
Before long, I'm betting he may equate the new phone with the new car - or make that, the car that was new 18 months ago. It has all manner of sweet little perks - including Bluetooth and GPS - none of which is up and running.
Still. It's good to know I have these things, and perhaps one day, I'll use them. It only matters that the phone is new. That - and the fact it's blue.
